Do relationships always change us or do we remain the same? Is any change we experience while in a relationship solely personal and not dependent upon the relationship experiences? If the relationship has direct impact on our change, is it for better or worse? 

In a dream I had last night, a young woman told me that she was terrified her unstable relationship was going to change her for the worse. I advised her: "If your relationship is going to change you, then you must choose the type of transformation you want."

How We are Being in Relationship

Some people seem resolute to remain the same and so they do not allow the relationship to influence them, either positively or negatively. These people often rigidly adhere to their approach to life and keep others at arm's length with their inflexibility. 

Others are like a strip of licorice and let the relationship bend and twist them into many shapes and directions. These people often lose themselves in the relationship and do not consciously participate in the change they undergo. 

Then there are people who choose the transformation they want to see and experience. They are intentional about allowing the relationship to change them. They seek personal growth through the relationship and consciousness in the relationship. These people are enriched through their experiences--whether good or difficult--in the relationship. 

Perhaps most of us have a mix of all three approaches: sometimes staying resistant to change, being unconsciously flexible in other areas, and striving to learn and grow through the relationship at times. But what if we intentionally, consciously opened ourselves up to personal growth and enrichment through and in the relationship at all times? How would we do that?

Choosing Transformation

Like with any goal we are intentional about, we choose the outcome we seek and then align all our thoughts, actions, choices, words, and behaviors to that desired outcome. We become, as Gandhi said, the change we want to see. If I want a relationship that feels supportive, then in my interactions with my partner I must align every way that I am being to create space for that supportive quality to manifest.

People often tell me that they think change is hard or painful. If you choose the type of change, the type of transformation, that you want, you create an intentional path toward that change. That path can be gentle, fun and enjoyable. What is your choice in the matter and how are you aligning yourself to that choice?

Blessings,
Vick